One week

So, just over a week since the miscarriage. What a rollercoaster.

Tuesday I went to see Dr. L. I wanted to cancel the appointment, but I'm glad I went. She was very supportive and did an external exam: my cervix was closed, which was good, and my uterus felt nearly empty, which meant there wasn't anything trapped inside that could lead to a D&C. Means everything passed naturally.

Jay came with me (surprised me in the waiting room, actually, which was really nice. She ran an hour behind schedule and there were 3 babies and a pregnant lady there. Not something I wanted to face along. Then he stayed in the room for the exam, which was a first for both of us.

I'm going for an ultrasound on Tuesday to make sure there is nothing left inside me - to rule out a D&C for sure & try to make sure there are no complications for next time. I'm going to the new hospital for the ultrasound, not the IWK where they send all the moms-to-be. Better this way, I think.

It's still really hard to see babies of pregnant bellies or listen to baby news. I know I'll get to try again, but it's still devastating. Jay is being mostly supportive, but I don't think he grasps how traumatic this whole thing has been. I felt our baby bleed away, helpless to do anything.

I'm mostly finished bleeding now, which is a relief. I almost could convince myself that my period was simply late, that we were never pregnant at all. But bleeding for 8+ days is not a normal period, so that fantasy got blown apart.

D, M & C are all expecting, C next month and the others in 4-5 months. I'm excited and happy for them, but it's harts to be around them as it's all baby talk. D knows about our loss but the others don't, so it's pretty sucky.

Life goes on. Rationally, I know that doesn't make the process any easier, though.

December 4, 2005

Well, I think it's high time I started journaling again. It's been soooo long - years, at least 10 since I kept any kind of diary.

Tomorrow I get to take a second pregnancy test. The first one (3 days ago) was negative, but there might have been the tiniest faint line that COULD indicate a positive. My period, according to my calculations, is only a day late, but the website I've been using to chart my temperature and fertility signs says I should have started on Thursday, so they say I'm 5 days late! We'll see tomorrow.

Maybe I'm just fabricating symptoms, but I really want to be pregnant. Jay keeps telling me things like "you might be someone's mom" and then I cry.

I had a bath tonight but was careful to keep the water warm instead of hot, in case it hurts the baby.

I know if I keep referring to it as "the baby" then it'll hurt that much more if my period shows up.

I'm only been off the pill since the middle of September and we used the withdrawal method until mid-November, so this is our first cycle trying. How awesome would it be to be so fertile right away!

Baby, if you're in there, stay put and stay safe & secure. You are loved and wanted SO MUCH.