So, just over a week since the miscarriage. What a rollercoaster.
Tuesday I went to see Dr. L. I wanted to cancel the appointment, but I'm glad I went. She was very supportive and did an external exam: my cervix was closed, which was good, and my uterus felt nearly empty, which meant there wasn't anything trapped inside that could lead to a D&C. Means everything passed naturally.
Jay came with me (surprised me in the waiting room, actually, which was really nice. She ran an hour behind schedule and there were 3 babies and a pregnant lady there. Not something I wanted to face along. Then he stayed in the room for the exam, which was a first for both of us.
I'm going for an ultrasound on Tuesday to make sure there is nothing left inside me - to rule out a D&C for sure & try to make sure there are no complications for next time. I'm going to the new hospital for the ultrasound, not the IWK where they send all the moms-to-be. Better this way, I think.
It's still really hard to see babies of pregnant bellies or listen to baby news. I know I'll get to try again, but it's still devastating. Jay is being mostly supportive, but I don't think he grasps how traumatic this whole thing has been. I felt our baby bleed away, helpless to do anything.
I'm mostly finished bleeding now, which is a relief. I almost could convince myself that my period was simply late, that we were never pregnant at all. But bleeding for 8+ days is not a normal period, so that fantasy got blown apart.
D, M & C are all expecting, C next month and the others in 4-5 months. I'm excited and happy for them, but it's harts to be around them as it's all baby talk. D knows about our loss but the others don't, so it's pretty sucky.
Life goes on. Rationally, I know that doesn't make the process any easier, though.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Update
No baby. Started cramping and bleeding around 12:30. Went to the doctor. Bloodwork results showed HcG levels of 58 at 4 weeks, should have been well over 500.
December 10, 2005
Baby's first snow!
I don't know how much is out there, but they were calling for 15-25 cm... it's pretty! Everything is blanketed. Jay will have to go out and shovel it all. I would, but I'm going to work at the shoe store today. They're picking me up in an hour so I won't be walking in it.
We went for groceries last night just as it was starting. The roads & sidewalks were slippery, even in winter boots. Nerve-wracking. Kept expecting to fall.
I woke up this morning and I had been sleeping on my stomach. I immediately worried I'd dislodged the baby.
There was what MIGHT have been a bit of spotting after I went to the bathroom. There was a bit of cramping, but I feel ok. The 'spotting' could have been pee as it's dark in the morning. Even if it was true spotting, a bit is normal.
I'll try not to worry about it. Pregnancy is a natural process. The body was designed this way and I'll have to trust that it's doing it's job.
H guessed the other night. We were out for dinner and I was really thirsty and only ordered water. She said something like "You're pregnant!!!" and before I could help it, I had a huge grin on my face and said 'No." Very unconvincingly. The I told her that in theory, I 'could' be pregnant. Then of course we started talking about it. So she knows, and that means probably her sister knows, as H is staying with her right now.
The swelling in Jay's face has gone down a lot and he looks almost like himself again. Poor guy!
I have a dr's appointment on the 13th with Dr. L, the dr my regular dr referred me to. Dr. H doesn't deliver, so I get to meet Dr. L! Not sure what to expect at that appointment - probably a PAP/internal exam, more bloodwork, etc. Could just be a meeting, I suppose.
I don't know how much is out there, but they were calling for 15-25 cm... it's pretty! Everything is blanketed. Jay will have to go out and shovel it all. I would, but I'm going to work at the shoe store today. They're picking me up in an hour so I won't be walking in it.
We went for groceries last night just as it was starting. The roads & sidewalks were slippery, even in winter boots. Nerve-wracking. Kept expecting to fall.
I woke up this morning and I had been sleeping on my stomach. I immediately worried I'd dislodged the baby.
There was what MIGHT have been a bit of spotting after I went to the bathroom. There was a bit of cramping, but I feel ok. The 'spotting' could have been pee as it's dark in the morning. Even if it was true spotting, a bit is normal.
I'll try not to worry about it. Pregnancy is a natural process. The body was designed this way and I'll have to trust that it's doing it's job.
H guessed the other night. We were out for dinner and I was really thirsty and only ordered water. She said something like "You're pregnant!!!" and before I could help it, I had a huge grin on my face and said 'No." Very unconvincingly. The I told her that in theory, I 'could' be pregnant. Then of course we started talking about it. So she knows, and that means probably her sister knows, as H is staying with her right now.
The swelling in Jay's face has gone down a lot and he looks almost like himself again. Poor guy!
I have a dr's appointment on the 13th with Dr. L, the dr my regular dr referred me to. Dr. H doesn't deliver, so I get to meet Dr. L! Not sure what to expect at that appointment - probably a PAP/internal exam, more bloodwork, etc. Could just be a meeting, I suppose.
Thursday, December 8, 2005
4w5d
Turns out we're further along that I thought! I guess the number of weeks is determined byt he first day of your last period (which doesn't make sense to me - I would think last day of last period would be more accurate!) So I'm 4 weeks and 5 days along right now.
Scary and awesome!
Scary and awesome!
Wednesday, December 7, 2005
December 7, 2005
8:15 am
Sitting at the hospital, waiting for blood collection. Had to fill out a form that goes on file with the IWK/Grace for when I go there to deliver. I got a little teary.
Told G&D yesterday when they picked us up after Jay's surgery. They're very thrilled for us. D & I will get together soon to talk babies!
Sitting at the hospital, waiting for blood collection. Had to fill out a form that goes on file with the IWK/Grace for when I go there to deliver. I got a little teary.
Told G&D yesterday when they picked us up after Jay's surgery. They're very thrilled for us. D & I will get together soon to talk babies!
Tuesday, December 6, 2005
December 6, 2005
Went to the doctor's yesterday morning after breakfast. He listened to my symptoms and confirmed that I'm pregnant - even thought he didn't do any tests. He gave me paperwork for blood tests, which I'll have done tomorrow, as today I'm still in a waiting room in the Dartmouth hospital waiting for Jay. He's having surgery for a bone graft in his jaw - not pleasant! It's in preparation for a steel post to be put in so they can do a dental implant for his front tooth. Poor guy.
According to Dr. H, my due date is August 5th, but it's probably closer to the 10th as he used the wrong date. When he asked the first day of my last period, I mistakenly said Nov, 1, but it was actually the 5th. I corrected myself, but he didn't seem to hear. In any case, mid/early August is going to be the time!
I'm still cramping, still expecting my period to be there everytime I go to the bathroom, which is frequently. I'm concerned about the cramps, but according to my research, it's common and likely caused by my uterus growing and stretching to fit the baby. Still worries me, because I wouldn't think there'd be a lot of growth in the first few weeks, although the baby is only the size of an apple seed and has a spine already.
I've managed to keep the news pretty quiet. Told me doctor, the girls on the message boards (under a fake name), my naturopathic doctor - because previously we'd talked about me taking some supplements that weren't safe if I was pregnant.
And I told K, who met me for lunch yesterday. I swore her to secrecy - she won't even tell her boyfriend. It's a bit of a relief to have SOMEONE know about it. We'll probably tell G&D soon, as they're already 20 weeks along with their first. I'm sure she'll have tips and stories to share.
Starting to believe it more. Once the blood work confirms it, I'll be more convinced.
Still want to wait 10 weeks before we really tell anyone (family). Not sure if I can wait that long!
According to Dr. H, my due date is August 5th, but it's probably closer to the 10th as he used the wrong date. When he asked the first day of my last period, I mistakenly said Nov, 1, but it was actually the 5th. I corrected myself, but he didn't seem to hear. In any case, mid/early August is going to be the time!
I'm still cramping, still expecting my period to be there everytime I go to the bathroom, which is frequently. I'm concerned about the cramps, but according to my research, it's common and likely caused by my uterus growing and stretching to fit the baby. Still worries me, because I wouldn't think there'd be a lot of growth in the first few weeks, although the baby is only the size of an apple seed and has a spine already.
I've managed to keep the news pretty quiet. Told me doctor, the girls on the message boards (under a fake name), my naturopathic doctor - because previously we'd talked about me taking some supplements that weren't safe if I was pregnant.
And I told K, who met me for lunch yesterday. I swore her to secrecy - she won't even tell her boyfriend. It's a bit of a relief to have SOMEONE know about it. We'll probably tell G&D soon, as they're already 20 weeks along with their first. I'm sure she'll have tips and stories to share.
Starting to believe it more. Once the blood work confirms it, I'll be more convinced.
Still want to wait 10 weeks before we really tell anyone (family). Not sure if I can wait that long!
Monday, December 5, 2005
5am
I'm pretty sure we're pregnant! The line is still faint, but darker than before.
I'll make a dr's appointment asap to confirm via blood test, but Jay and I are both pretty happy!
He talked to the baby - I woke him up at 4am after I tested - and we snuggled together and read from 'What to Expect While You're Expecting' and then he got close to my belly and kissed it and welcomed the baby aboard.
Wow. Stunned. Pretty cool!
In disbelief.
I'll make a dr's appointment asap to confirm via blood test, but Jay and I are both pretty happy!
He talked to the baby - I woke him up at 4am after I tested - and we snuggled together and read from 'What to Expect While You're Expecting' and then he got close to my belly and kissed it and welcomed the baby aboard.
Wow. Stunned. Pretty cool!
In disbelief.
Sunday, December 4, 2005
December 4, 2005
Well, I think it's high time I started journaling again. It's been soooo long - years, at least 10 since I kept any kind of diary.
Tomorrow I get to take a second pregnancy test. The first one (3 days ago) was negative, but there might have been the tiniest faint line that COULD indicate a positive. My period, according to my calculations, is only a day late, but the website I've been using to chart my temperature and fertility signs says I should have started on Thursday, so they say I'm 5 days late! We'll see tomorrow.
Maybe I'm just fabricating symptoms, but I really want to be pregnant. Jay keeps telling me things like "you might be someone's mom" and then I cry.
I had a bath tonight but was careful to keep the water warm instead of hot, in case it hurts the baby.
I know if I keep referring to it as "the baby" then it'll hurt that much more if my period shows up.
I'm only been off the pill since the middle of September and we used the withdrawal method until mid-November, so this is our first cycle trying. How awesome would it be to be so fertile right away!
Baby, if you're in there, stay put and stay safe & secure. You are loved and wanted SO MUCH.
Tomorrow I get to take a second pregnancy test. The first one (3 days ago) was negative, but there might have been the tiniest faint line that COULD indicate a positive. My period, according to my calculations, is only a day late, but the website I've been using to chart my temperature and fertility signs says I should have started on Thursday, so they say I'm 5 days late! We'll see tomorrow.
Maybe I'm just fabricating symptoms, but I really want to be pregnant. Jay keeps telling me things like "you might be someone's mom" and then I cry.
I had a bath tonight but was careful to keep the water warm instead of hot, in case it hurts the baby.
I know if I keep referring to it as "the baby" then it'll hurt that much more if my period shows up.
I'm only been off the pill since the middle of September and we used the withdrawal method until mid-November, so this is our first cycle trying. How awesome would it be to be so fertile right away!
Baby, if you're in there, stay put and stay safe & secure. You are loved and wanted SO MUCH.
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