March 24, 2008

I need to get this down somewhere so I can see it. I need to go over this with my doula. It's starting to really make me panic and I'm worried that if I go into labour still afraid, things will not go as planned and I'll end up with a section.

I'm not afraid of the labour. Or the delivery. Or the pain. Or anything like that. I'm afraid of the recovery. Of the immediate aftermath. I had a 3rd degree tear with Elliot. I have a thick ridge of scar tissue that my dr says has properly healed, but it still hurts. (I also still have a hemi, which is only getting worse as this pregnancy progresses.) I'm scared of tearing again - not the tearing, but the healing from it. I bled for 7 weeks pp last time, until I went for my check up and it was discovered that I had retained tissue. And needed a d&c. That still terrifies me. While still in the hospital, I passed a gigantic jellyfish clot. It was easily as big as my fist, probably bigger. The thought of doing that again scares me. The nurses were concerned, but my dr said it was just a clot when she examined it. The thought of all the bleeding that happens afterwards is really creeping me out.

There. I think I said it all.

How can I deal with this? Rationally, I know that the bleeding and tearing is a normal part of the aftermath. I'm not afraid of 'normal'. I've already mentioned to my dr (well, reminded her, anyway) about the d&c. I will be more vocal about making sure they check my placenta when it's expelled. I will even ask for an ultrasound before I leave the hospital. But still, even having those plans in place, I'm feeling stressed out enough that I can just imagine my body shutting down and stalling labour if I'm not careful.

January 24, 2006

Still pregnant!

6 weeks and 1 day. The levels so far have been awesome: 50 at 11 days past ovulation, 254 at 15 days and 10,692 at 24 days.

I'm getting nauseous a lot - no vomiting yet, but it's been close. I go from starving to very nauseated in a matter of minutes, if not seconds. Today was particularly rough, as I felt ill for most of it. Turns out avocados and lentils with curry are big no-nos for me now!

WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!!!!!!

Waiting for an ultrasound. Should get the call within 2 weeks. I'm far enough along that we'll be able to see a heartbeat!! How cool is that!!

First pre-natal appointment with Dr L is on Feburary 10 - should be able to HEAR the heartbeat.

The likelihood of a miscarriage drops to 5-6% once you see the heartbeat compared to 25% beforehand.

I haven't grown any bigger yet, but I'm battling bloat - many clothes don't fit anymore!

Aside from the nausea, I'm loving being pregnant. The little bean is the size of an apple seed right now and so much has developed already.