October 23, 2008

Yesterday was a great day. Felix and I went shopping and he napped the whole time, I had a great morning out, Came home, watched all the shows I DVR'd from the night before. Cleaned the kitchen, did a pre-rinse load in the dish washer, followed by a full length wash to see how well that worked on the dirtier than normal dishes. put supper in the oven. Packed a snack for Elliot and went to pick him up from daycare.

He ate his snack then whined the whole way home. I was glad supper was already in the oven - usually, he's a brat and I'm trying to cook something and it turns into a huge horrible deal. I was hoping that the snack and pre-made supper would avoid all that crap. Not so.

I caught myself yelling and putting Elliot in time out seconds after we came through the door. (He grabbed the bouncy chair and threw it across the kitchen, tearing a toy off of it. Not a huge deal, since Felix wasn't in it, but I couldn't let the behavior seem ok, since then he might try it when Felix was in it.)

The night spiraled down so quickly, I couldn't stop it. Jay came home a bit later than usual. I was livid. Felix wouldn't sleep at his normal time, and then he started crying and crying... (nursed, changed, rocked, burped, etc) Of course, he was probably picking up on my pissy mood. Jay put Elliot to bed and then went downstairs to his office after I told him I would be ok. But no, I had to take a shrieking Felix from our room (next to Elliot's - I was so sure he would wake up and join in) to the basement and demand that Jay take him before I "threw him against the wall."

Let me cut in here and say that yes, I'm getting the prescription for my antidepressant filled, asap.

Jay got him back to sleep while I sobbed and then Felix and I went to bed. I woke up feeling much better, until I opened my mouth and all that anger just spewed out again. Didn't help that now Jay is in a pissy mood and Elliot was in a biting/pinching mood at 6:30.

Let me also break in to say that Jay's temper scares me. Our poor children are doomed.

This morning just continued in that fashion. I took the kids for groceries. That was a nice outing in the midst of the chaos. Jay is going to try to come home at lunch (soon, I hope) to put Elliot down for his nap, since I'm in no mood to deal with that one.

God, I hate this, I hate this anger, this rage that I'm feeling. I hate yelling at my kids. I have no patience for even the littlest bit of acting out. I need help and I don't know where to get it. I have no idea if the meds are going to help or make things worse. My kids need more than this. My kids are good, happy, healthy, normal kids. I'm only going to mess them up if I continue down this road. At this point, any escalation in my anger is probably going to end badly.