August 18, 2008

Today was actually ok. It started out fine, went to hell in the middle, and then we had a pleasant afternoon. But for a while there in the middle when both kids were screaming blue murder at the same time while Elliot rubbed peanut butter all over his face and then balled up his sandwich and threw it on the floor then tried to bite me and then attempted to smother Felix while laughing, I thought I might just kill him.

The actual adjustment of having a newborn again has been easy. When I look back on the days when Elliot was a newborn and I think about how stressed and scared we were, I have to chuckle a bit.

What's hard is dealing with Elliot as he struggles with his role as a big brother. The tantrums, the jealousy, the hitting/biting/pinching. He loves Felix, but he wants to hurt him when he's mad at us for not being able to drop everything and play with him like we used to.

I can't put Felix down anywhere and step out of the room to wash my hands or get a drink if Elliot isn't strapped into something or asleep because he will lunge at Felix. He starts off gentle enough, but that soon turns into face-clawing and it happens so fast that I can barely prevent it. Or he throws toys into the playpen at the baby or tries to climb into the swing on top of him. We've tried ignoring it, time outs, scolding, yelling, re-direction, rationalizing, bribing... nothing is effective. I know he's not doing it to be malicious. Yes, he's doing it on purpose, but it's for attention. Not because he wants to hurt Felix. I hope.

Felix wants to sleep on me, all the time. It's hard to put him down and have him stay asleep. I remember this with Elliot, too, but it's harder now that I can't just sit around and watch TV all day. Poor Felix has had to lay there crying more times than I'd care to admit, getting madder and madder and surely the neighbours are going to call child services on me, simply because I need to change/discipline/feed/play with Elliot for a few minutes. I can't be holding on to one while trying to lift the other into the highchair. Or up and down the stairs. Or changing diapers. Or going to the bathroom myself. Sure, I have several carriers (which are awesome!) but it's not convenient for every-minute-of-my-day use.

I bought a double stroller the other day because I just can't be tethered to my kids 24/7 anymore. I told Jay that I liked the feeling that I could just walk away from the kids while we were out - not that I ever would, but having it as an option, instead of having one of them strapped to me, is appealing.

Back to Elliot - he's really acting out. Not just with the hurting of Felix, but in other areas. Lots of control things and so many tantrums. I expected that, but I don't know how to deal with it. There's also the fact that he's almost 2 and is going through developmental things at the same time as adjusting to being an older brother. Everyone keeps saying it's a phase and it will pass. Of course it will, but when? And how do I deal with it in the meantime? I am so frustrated with Elliot most of the time. I just want to hit him when he's whining or hitting/biting me or throwing his entire supper on the floor... and I HATE that feeling.

Both children (and Jay) want and need so much from me and it's more than I have to give right now. And I'm not able to spend much one-on-one time with either child (or Jay, or myself), so bonding with Felix is difficult and giving attention to Elliot in the quality/quantity he's used to and deserves, just isn't possible. So I have to split my time and end up not being able to focus on anyone, and everyone is cranky and neglected, including myself. I just want to run away.

I'm scared of Post Partum Depression, although I'm 99% positive that it's just sleep deprivation I'm struggling with right now. I don't have a good support system in place and I suck at asking for help when/if I need it. I bought a bottle of Grand Cosmopolitan at the liquor store the other day. I've only had 3 small glasses (1 per night, within a safe BFing time frame, when Jay is home, yadda yadda) but can really see how easy it would be to become a lush mama.

Which brings me to my husband. I love having him home on the weekends, but he makes things worse. He's great at being another pair of hands, at playing with Elliot, at changing diapers and cleaning up... but he loses patience and his temper waaaay faster than me and yells. Which makes me feel like crap and not be able to relax and not want to leave him with the kids. I deal with both kidlets all day long, 5 days a week, usually by myself. He can't deal with them for 30 minutes without yelling at Elliot. (To be fair, Elliot is testing his boundaries with Jay because he's not with him as frequently as I am.)

Don't get me wrong, I know it will get better, but right now, I do regret having them this close... We planned to have 2 this close together so they could grow up together and always have each other... but it's going to be a while before I can enjoy it and much longer before they can enjoy each other. Every day I have to tell myself if I can get through just one more day, things will be different.

All normal stuff, right?? *sigh*